Memory Lane is no longer on the map...

I write this latest entry in a somewhat disheartened mood. I had created a second blog a little while ago chronicling the events of my life for the main purpose of showing my kids that their Father was young once too. It seemed like a good idea at the time and at first, digging through all those old memories and writing them down was a lot of fun. However, I’ve recently discovered that there was an inherent flaw in my plan. Memories of the past not only consist of the physical but also the emotions intertwined around the events as well. A good analogy would be a stroll down a street you grew up on in the middle of the day. The reactions and emotions would bond to everything you see, hear, smell and feel thus forming a memory. Now walk down that same street in the dark. It’s the same street. Nothing has physically changed but internally, you are perceiving things differently. Reality no longer matches the memory you have.

Now, I knew this when I started writing the blog. Nothing lasts forever and the only constant in life is change, but I didn’t realize how even the smallest of difference would effect me so much.

I recently decided I would take a trip to a couple of my old schools and homes when I was growing up. Grab some pictures for the blog later on so I could give a better visual to my descriptions. This innocent little venture shook me to my core. One of the schools I went to was in quite the disrepair with the playgrounds torn away, the grass overgrown and even the kindergarten play area paved over. I had heard earlier that it had become run down so I was somewhat prepared for it though.

The second school I went to however left me weak kneed. They had expanded the school and totally remapped the entire playground. My grade 7 class and science room had been turned into a computer lab while the library had been virtually gutted. These were two of my favourite rooms while attending the school. The only thing that made me smile was seeing a few of my favourite climbing trees in the back bush hadn’t changed at all (other then the fact they looked a little smaller!). But even this small victory of nostalgia was short lived when I realized the bike trails and paths intertwined throughout the small forest that I had frequented so much in my youth were overgrown and looked as if they had barely been used. This once again saddened me as the thought of such a wonderful place to play when I was a kid was barely being used today.

All in all, it was a fairly rough trip down memory lane. It was as if I were seeing two images overlaid on top of one another that were slightly different. As you can well imagine, it was rather disorienting. I almost decided not to use the pictures in my other blog as they no longer match exactly to the stories that I am telling, but after some more thought on the matter, have chosen to use them with some sort of disclaimer or a summary describing the difference. In this instance, something is better then nothing.

As for the sombre mood that has fallen upon me, I know it will pass. I make new memories that I cherish every day with my wife, kids, parents, siblings and friends. I know these memories too will one day leave me filled with a mix of joy for having lived them and remorse for not being able recapture them. It is somewhat of an ironic cycle where the cure for a longing to relive the past will one day turn into the very thing it helped stave off.

I suppose that’s life.