A Final Decision...

Those are words that are applied to a lot of decisions in life that are not necessarily as "Final" as we initially perceive. The decision maybe "Important" and "Life Altering", such as to get married, baptized, returning to school, etc... but there are few decisions in life that are truly "Final". And when the decision is upon us, it can be a lot more daunting then some of those "Important" decisions that can pop up so often in life.

I sadly had to make one of those "Final" decisions this week. I had to decide whether it was time to put my cat Nikki "to sleep" which I've come to accept as the nice term for "having her killed". I've weighed the pros and cons for quite a while now and have come to the "Final" decision that it is time. I can go into the whole list of medical reasons and other considerations for why I made this decision... but I don't feel it is really that necessary. Normal people don't have a family member (and that is what she was) euthanized for the hell of it. Unfortunately for me, the reasons are cold comfort to me and simply do not help with the guilt and pain that goes on inside. I've also come to the understanding (at least for myself) that in order for me to live with this "Final" decision, I've got to accept the guilt and pain that I'm feeling because I think it makes me a better person. If I didn't have this feeling, I think I would be a monster.

Anyways... as you can see, I'm rambling.

So today... at about 5:15, I felt my cat's heart race and stop in my hands while her eyes glazed over. I had to be there for her because I believe that if I could make this decision, I would have to accept the image of her last moments of life.

I Loved My Cat... despite the fact she was a cold hearted bitch.

I also hope I don't have to make many more "Final" decisions in my life because... once you've made them, there is no turning back.